I was asked by a young adult in our church if you actually could love your wife like Christ loved the church. I said to him, “I am happy to report that you can. The Lord has taught me how, but let me be sure you understand it’s the third stage I’ve passed through in relating to my wife.” In my opinion, the three stages of love in marriage are: the power struggle, self-interested kindness, and submission.
The first level – the POWER STRUGGLE – needs little explanation. It starts with what I like, what I want to do, what I need. If you get in the way of those things, we’re going to have a problem. It may have to do with what you do on your day off, what hobby you pursue, what you like to do for each other, when you are available to each other, or how you settle conflict. The family that is in a power struggle is a family in which neither side has much regard for what the other wants. Their primary interest is in what they want. Marriages that remain in a power struggle for too long probably won’t make it. It is important for a man and his wife to both move out of the power struggle as soon as possible. It may be a help to remember what the Scripture says: “Submit yourselves one to the other in the fear of Christ” Eph. 5:21. Only mutual submission can solve the problems of the power struggle
The second level is where a lot of families live that only manage to stay married but never really spend much time in real happiness. I call it SELF-INTERESTED KINDNESS. This means you are kind to each other, but the reason you’re kind to each other is that you believe if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy or if papa ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy. So the reason you do things for each other is because you want them to be happy enough so that you are happy enough. Again, the calculation is what do I have to do to get my needs met? The difference between the first and the second level of relationship has to do with experience. Most people learn that if you are highly driven to get your way all the time, you either have to marry a person who has very little spine or you have to learn to demand less. Otherwise, both of you are unhappy most of the time.
The third level is SUBMISSION. Submission is a word people don’t like much. It implies to them you have no mind of your own and you don’t get to make any decisions. You are powerless. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are told to submit ourselves one to another as to the Lord in Ephesians 5:21. Does the Lord let you make decisions? Absolutely. Does He grant you freedom? Of course. Does He treat you with respect? Yes, He does. Yet, He is the Lord. It is the same in our relationship with each other. Submission is not about yielding all power. It is about considering others before yourself. Submission is really about trust. It says I trust you and God enough so that I’m willing to do what you want to do against my own sense of self-interest because I think it’s best for you – period. In truth, this is by far the most joyful and rewarding level of relationship in marriage or in any relationship. When you are constantly fighting for your own position and the other person is constantly fighting for theirs, it’s a never ending battle and no one is satisfied. When the nice face you present is the product of a calculation (how nice do I have to be to get what I want), it looks – but doesn’t feel – like love. When you are in the third level and are submissive to your wife and your wife is submissive to you, this doesn’t mean the husband isn’t the leader of the home. It just means that his primary desire is the satisfaction and wellbeing of his wife and children.
I have found as I have gotten better at this third level of relationship, I feel much more power and I have much more authority than I did when I was engaged in the power struggle, and my home is, above all others, my favorite place to be.
