I was asked by a young adult in our church if you actually could love your wife like Christ loved the church.  I said to him, “I am happy to report that you can. The Lord has taught me how, but let me be sure you understand it’s the third stage I’ve passed through in relating to my wife.”  In my opinion, the three stages of love in marriage are:  the power struggle, self-interested kindness, and submission.

             The first level – the POWER STRUGGLE – needs little explanation.  It starts with what I like, what I want to do, what I need.  If you get in the way of those things, we’re going to have a problem.  It may have to do with what you do on your day off, what hobby you pursue, what you like to do for each other, when you are available to each other, or how you settle conflict.  The family that is in a power struggle is a family in which neither side has much regard for what the other wants.  Their primary interest is in what they want.  Marriages that remain in a power struggle for too long probably won’t make it.  It is important for a man and his wife to both move out of the power struggle as soon as possible.  It may be a help to remember what the Scripture says:  “Submit yourselves one to the other in the fear of Christ” Eph. 5:21.  Only mutual submission can solve the problems of the power struggle

             The second level is where a lot of families live that only manage to stay married but never really spend much time in real happiness. I call it SELF-INTERESTED KINDNESS.  This means you are kind to each other, but the reason you’re kind to each other is that you believe if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy or if papa ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.  So the reason you do things for each other is because you want them to be happy enough so that you are happy enough.  Again, the calculation is what do I have to do to get my needs met?  The difference between the first and the second level of relationship has to do with experience.  Most people learn that if you are highly driven to get your way all the time, you either have to marry a person who has very little spine or you have to learn to demand less.  Otherwise, both of you are unhappy most of the time.

             The third level is SUBMISSION.  Submission is a word people don’t like much.  It implies to them you have no mind of your own and you don’t get to make any decisions.  You are powerless.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We are told to submit ourselves one to another as to the Lord in Ephesians 5:21.  Does the Lord let you make decisions?  Absolutely.  Does He grant you freedom?  Of course.  Does He treat you with respect?  Yes, He does.  Yet, He is the Lord.  It is the same in our relationship with each other.  Submission is not about yielding all power.  It is about considering others before yourself.  Submission is really about trust.  It says I trust you and God enough so that I’m willing to do what you want to do against my own sense of self-interest because I think it’s best for you – period.  In truth, this is by far the most joyful and rewarding level of relationship in marriage or in any relationship.  When you are constantly fighting for your own position and the other person is constantly fighting for theirs, it’s a never ending battle and no one is satisfied.  When the nice face you present is the product of a calculation (how nice do I have to be to get what I want), it looks – but doesn’t feel – like love. When you are in the third level and are submissive to your wife and your wife is submissive to you, this doesn’t mean the husband isn’t the leader of the home.  It just means that his primary desire is the satisfaction and wellbeing of his wife and children. 

             I have found as I have gotten better at this third level of relationship, I feel much more power and I have much more authority than I did when I was engaged in the power struggle, and my home is, above all others, my favorite place to be.

I’ve been reading Walter Isaacson’s biography of Albert Einstein.  I got bogged down in his section on the theory of general relativity but decided I would pick it back up and try to finish.  It has gotten interesting again.  A great many people wrote about Albert Einstein that he was making science relative the way philosophy had made truth relative.  Einstein was very upset by this because he believed in absolutes – both absolute moral truths and absolute scientific truths. 

             I wish there could be more people like Albert Einstein who were clear about the existence of immovable truths and that how you feel about it or how it interferes with your desire to enjoy life is of little consequence.  It is still true…even absolutely true. 

             I had a conversation with an acquaintance who was part of a more liberal expression of Christianity who said to me, “You need to stand up and be counted in the more moderate camp of the Southern Baptist Convention.”   I said to him, “I’m not about to do that.”  He said, “Why?”  I said, “They are selling freedom, and the conservatives are selling truth.  I had all the freedom I wanted in the sense that I could do whatever I felt like doing without any prior restraint before I became a Christian.  When I became a Christian, I wanted some truths that did not move in my life.  I signed up for the prior restraint of Scripture.”  I don’t need protection for my self-centeredness.  I do need accountability and immovability for my developing walk with God.

 Christianity is based on immovable truth.  God is good in that He allows us a great deal of discretion about how we dress, what kind of music we like, and other things of that nature.  But there are certain things about which we are completely and absolutely restricted.  A great many moral requirements come to mind.  Our beliefs about who God is and what He expects come to mind. 

 I wonder if you are a person who is uncomfortable with the notion of truth being imposed on you.  If you are, you are uncomfortable with Christianity because that is what it is about.  It is not about getting God’s help in doing what you want.  It is about you getting the help of the Holy Spirit in doing what God wants.