Sunday’s message (April 11) raised thoughtful questions from a couple of church members. They indicated that the three circles diagram, as it relates to the family, was helpful but wondered how they could go about moving from one circle to the other or how they could encourage a spouse to move from one circle to the other.

             First make sure you are interested in your own level of involvement before you become interested in your spouse’s.  The parable of the mote and the beam (Matt. 7:3) is instructive here.  All of us need to be committed spouses and none of us are as committed as we need to be.  So pay attention to the person you see in the mirror before you pay attention to the person sitting across the table from you.  The beam in our own eyes always needs some work.

             As to how you go about moving yourself in the direction you should go, let’s look at I Corinthians 2:14 – 3:3.  These verses describe three spiritual positions.  The first is the position of the natural man. He is lost, separated from Christ, and does not have the Spirit of God (1 Corinthians 2:14).  The second position is the man of flesh or the carnal Christian (1 Corinthians 3:1-3).  This man is born again and will go to heaven when he dies but is centered in himself rather than in the Lord.  The third position is the spiritual man (I Corinthians 2:15-16) who is centered in the Spirit of God and has the mind of Christ.  In order to move from being the natural man to being a Christian, you must believe on the Lord Jesus Christ.  In order to move from being a carnal Christian to being a spiritual Christian, you must surrender to the Lordship of Christ.  The natural man does not have Christ.  The carnal man does not have Lordship.  The spiritual man has Jesus Christ as Lord because he is willing to do anything the Lord wants.

             The same principles apply to the family and your level of involvement. The person who is an interested spouse and has been one for a while may be a person who has gotten comfortable in being a carnal Christian (focused primarily on flesh/self) or he may be a person who is lost and separated from Christ.  Only you can know which condition you are in.  If you are lost, in order to move beyond being a merely interested spouse to involved, make sure you are born again.  Can you be specific about the time you repented of your sins and received Christ through faith?  Are you trusting good religious feelings (which EVERYBODY has) or are you trusting the Lord?  If you are born again, sincerely ask the Lord to help you focus on your wife and children more than on yourself.

             The involved spouse is frequently a high level carnal Christian.  He is interested in what he can do for the family in his own power.  His motives are excellent, but his methods and means are lacking.  His methods are not generated by the Holy Spirit.  It isn’t that he doesn’t have a good heart, it is that he doesn’t have the power of God in order to carry out the desires of his heart.  That’s why oftentimes he finds his efforts to be less than joyful.  So the person who is the involved spouse, who I am assuming has been born again, needs to surrender to the Lordship of Christ by telling God you surrender to Him and are willing to do whatever He wants you to do.  Ask God to give you the power of His Spirit and to show you how to live the Christian life in your family in the power of Christ.  The surrendered spouse is the “committed” spouse.  He (she) is the person who has received Jesus Christ as both Savior and Lord and is walking in the Lordship and in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. 

             Whatever change needs to occur in your life begins with prayer and proceeds by continuous prayer.  To ask the Lord to do this work in your life is very important, and this goes both for which stage of church life you are in or which stage of family life you are in.  I hope this helps. 

             I’m going to speak to that this coming Sunday and perhaps that will make it even clearer.  I’m grateful for the interest shown by the two people who asked me this question.  I love hearing from you.  I pray God’s blessings on you getting to the committed core in both the church and family, the two most important teams in your life.

        I was asked by a young adult in our church if you actually could love your wife like Christ loved the church.  I said to him, “I am happy to report that you can. The Lord has taught me how, but let me be sure you understand it’s the third stage I’ve passed through in relating to my wife.”  In my opinion, the three stages of love in marriage are:  the power struggle, self-interested kindness, and submission.

             The first level – the POWER STRUGGLE – needs little explanation.  It starts with what I like, what I want to do, what I need.  If you get in the way of those things, we’re going to have a problem.  It may have to do with what you do on your day off, what hobby you pursue, what you like to do for each other, when you are available to each other, or how you settle conflict.  The family that is in a power struggle is a family in which neither side has much regard for what the other wants.  Their primary interest is in what they want.  Marriages that remain in a power struggle for too long probably won’t make it.  It is important for a man and his wife to both move out of the power struggle as soon as possible.  It may be a help to remember what the Scripture says:  “Submit yourselves one to the other in the fear of Christ” Eph. 5:21.  Only mutual submission can solve the problems of the power struggle

             The second level is where a lot of families live that only manage to stay married but never really spend much time in real happiness. I call it SELF-INTERESTED KINDNESS.  This means you are kind to each other, but the reason you’re kind to each other is that you believe if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy or if papa ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.  So the reason you do things for each other is because you want them to be happy enough so that you are happy enough.  Again, the calculation is what do I have to do to get my needs met?  The difference between the first and the second level of relationship has to do with experience.  Most people learn that if you are highly driven to get your way all the time, you either have to marry a person who has very little spine or you have to learn to demand less.  Otherwise, both of you are unhappy most of the time.

             The third level is SUBMISSION.  Submission is a word people don’t like much.  It implies to them you have no mind of your own and you don’t get to make any decisions.  You are powerless.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We are told to submit ourselves one to another as to the Lord in Ephesians 5:21.  Does the Lord let you make decisions?  Absolutely.  Does He grant you freedom?  Of course.  Does He treat you with respect?  Yes, He does.  Yet, He is the Lord.  It is the same in our relationship with each other.  Submission is not about yielding all power.  It is about considering others before yourself.  Submission is really about trust.  It says I trust you and God enough so that I’m willing to do what you want to do against my own sense of self-interest because I think it’s best for you – period.  In truth, this is by far the most joyful and rewarding level of relationship in marriage or in any relationship.  When you are constantly fighting for your own position and the other person is constantly fighting for theirs, it’s a never ending battle and no one is satisfied.  When the nice face you present is the product of a calculation (how nice do I have to be to get what I want), it looks – but doesn’t feel – like love. When you are in the third level and are submissive to your wife and your wife is submissive to you, this doesn’t mean the husband isn’t the leader of the home.  It just means that his primary desire is the satisfaction and wellbeing of his wife and children. 

             I have found as I have gotten better at this third level of relationship, I feel much more power and I have much more authority than I did when I was engaged in the power struggle, and my home is, above all others, my favorite place to be.

I was talking with a music minister candidate who came to look at our church.  He lives eight hours away, and he chose to drive up with his wife.  He said of the experience, “You know, there are some advantages to driving.”  I said, “Like what?”  He said, “Well, I get to spend uninterrupted time with my wife.  I can be called on my cell phone, but other than that we ride down the road together, we hold hands, we talk, and there isn’t anything to interrupt us and nothing to divert our attention.” 

             I’ve found the same thing to be true of driving places with Patty.  It speaks not only of the joy of driving but also of the joy of a marriage built, while not perfectly, by God’s grace built well.  I hope that in your marriage you are developing an appreciation and an affection for each other.  Passion is a good thing, commitment is a good thing, and just flat out enjoying each other’s company is also a really good thing. 

             I’ve always thought it was significant that before God created the first city, state, or school, He created the first home.  He did not let Adam be in the garden long before He created a woman and joined them together.  I love the home.  I love my home.  I love marriage.  I love my marriage.  I pray that you are doing what it takes to develop your own marriage.  God is good.  He knows what He’s doing.  As we trust Him in our marriages, it develops us and creates a wonderful place for us.