A few weeks ago, I spoke of fear of the Lord (See Fearless Sermon Series).  I made brief mention that parents should not use God as the heavy club in the discipline of children.  It is a wonderful thing to teach your children to honor God and even to fear God, but it has been delegated to you to discipline your children.  So don’t try to delegate that back up to God by saying things to your children such as, “God is not happy with you” or “God sees what you’re doing” or “God is going to get you in ways you cannot imagine.”  Simply take the authority of disapproval yourself by saying, “I don’t like that,” or “I told you to do that.”  Take the responsibility yourself for confronting your child rather than “playing the God card.”  Later on when it does not involve a present problem, talk with your children about God’s will for them. Teach them that you love God’s will and they can too.

             When you make God out to be a nitpicker or one who doesn’t ever cut us any slack, you really paint a God who is different than God’s revelation of Himself.  Let’s be sure to be honest with our children about the grace, love, kindness, and mercy of God while at the same time holding up the holy and righteous standards of God for life.  I hope as you raise your children to fear the Lord, it’s the beginning of wisdom, and they will NEVER be wise unless they do.  But make sure they are confident that the Lord they fear is full of love and mercy for them.

        I was asked by a young adult in our church if you actually could love your wife like Christ loved the church.  I said to him, “I am happy to report that you can. The Lord has taught me how, but let me be sure you understand it’s the third stage I’ve passed through in relating to my wife.”  In my opinion, the three stages of love in marriage are:  the power struggle, self-interested kindness, and submission.

             The first level – the POWER STRUGGLE – needs little explanation.  It starts with what I like, what I want to do, what I need.  If you get in the way of those things, we’re going to have a problem.  It may have to do with what you do on your day off, what hobby you pursue, what you like to do for each other, when you are available to each other, or how you settle conflict.  The family that is in a power struggle is a family in which neither side has much regard for what the other wants.  Their primary interest is in what they want.  Marriages that remain in a power struggle for too long probably won’t make it.  It is important for a man and his wife to both move out of the power struggle as soon as possible.  It may be a help to remember what the Scripture says:  “Submit yourselves one to the other in the fear of Christ” Eph. 5:21.  Only mutual submission can solve the problems of the power struggle

             The second level is where a lot of families live that only manage to stay married but never really spend much time in real happiness. I call it SELF-INTERESTED KINDNESS.  This means you are kind to each other, but the reason you’re kind to each other is that you believe if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy or if papa ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.  So the reason you do things for each other is because you want them to be happy enough so that you are happy enough.  Again, the calculation is what do I have to do to get my needs met?  The difference between the first and the second level of relationship has to do with experience.  Most people learn that if you are highly driven to get your way all the time, you either have to marry a person who has very little spine or you have to learn to demand less.  Otherwise, both of you are unhappy most of the time.

             The third level is SUBMISSION.  Submission is a word people don’t like much.  It implies to them you have no mind of your own and you don’t get to make any decisions.  You are powerless.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We are told to submit ourselves one to another as to the Lord in Ephesians 5:21.  Does the Lord let you make decisions?  Absolutely.  Does He grant you freedom?  Of course.  Does He treat you with respect?  Yes, He does.  Yet, He is the Lord.  It is the same in our relationship with each other.  Submission is not about yielding all power.  It is about considering others before yourself.  Submission is really about trust.  It says I trust you and God enough so that I’m willing to do what you want to do against my own sense of self-interest because I think it’s best for you – period.  In truth, this is by far the most joyful and rewarding level of relationship in marriage or in any relationship.  When you are constantly fighting for your own position and the other person is constantly fighting for theirs, it’s a never ending battle and no one is satisfied.  When the nice face you present is the product of a calculation (how nice do I have to be to get what I want), it looks – but doesn’t feel – like love. When you are in the third level and are submissive to your wife and your wife is submissive to you, this doesn’t mean the husband isn’t the leader of the home.  It just means that his primary desire is the satisfaction and wellbeing of his wife and children. 

             I have found as I have gotten better at this third level of relationship, I feel much more power and I have much more authority than I did when I was engaged in the power struggle, and my home is, above all others, my favorite place to be.

I was talking with a music minister candidate who came to look at our church.  He lives eight hours away, and he chose to drive up with his wife.  He said of the experience, “You know, there are some advantages to driving.”  I said, “Like what?”  He said, “Well, I get to spend uninterrupted time with my wife.  I can be called on my cell phone, but other than that we ride down the road together, we hold hands, we talk, and there isn’t anything to interrupt us and nothing to divert our attention.” 

             I’ve found the same thing to be true of driving places with Patty.  It speaks not only of the joy of driving but also of the joy of a marriage built, while not perfectly, by God’s grace built well.  I hope that in your marriage you are developing an appreciation and an affection for each other.  Passion is a good thing, commitment is a good thing, and just flat out enjoying each other’s company is also a really good thing. 

             I’ve always thought it was significant that before God created the first city, state, or school, He created the first home.  He did not let Adam be in the garden long before He created a woman and joined them together.  I love the home.  I love my home.  I love marriage.  I love my marriage.  I pray that you are doing what it takes to develop your own marriage.  God is good.  He knows what He’s doing.  As we trust Him in our marriages, it develops us and creates a wonderful place for us.